(Morning-after note: Yeah, I've had some time to compose myself, so here's a little warning for you guys: Its long, its full of swearing, and its complete and total bitching. If you actually read it all, kudos to you. I do hope no one actually gets offended by this though, because despite the excess ammount of aggression included, in the end its really meant to be an attempt to help things. Remember, if it wouldn't be well-received if you did it during a conversation with someone in person, its likely not going to be well-received by many people online, either.)

Okay, I WAS going to go to bed, because I'm tired as fuck, but I need to write this all out before I sleep it off, forget what I want to say, and keep the issue as an angry little bundle in my stomach. Normally I'd be much more inclined to rant to another person rather than a public journal, but considering most of the people I could talk to are part of the problem, that would be fruitless.

I don't care if you think I'm whining.

I don't care if you think I'm being dramatic or over the top.

I'm not keeping this to myself anymore. So without further ado, I ask you, anonymous reader...

What the HELL happened to your manners? Do you throw them out the window just because you're typing your words online and not actually speaking? Where the fuck did common, basic chat-etiquette go?

I am having the hardest fucking time just getting into a conversation with people these days. You guys make it IMPOSSIBLE. I have to try so damned hard just to get a conversation going with you that by the time I do, I'm so fucking pissed off and frustrated that I don't even want to talk to you anymore. Want some examples of what I'm ranting about? Here, here are some nice juicy examples for you, of the things I absolutely cannot stand about or during a conversation(or lack thereof)with somebody:

- People who don't respond with "(Blank), and you?" after you ask them "How are you?" or "Whats up?". They simply respond with their status and go on pretending you don't exist. What the HELL, man? Is it really that strenuous for you to use your fingers to type a few extra words to keep the conversation going, as well as show that you may actually give two shits about how and what -I- might be doing?

- When people NEVER message me first. I'm referring to people who call themselves my friend but can go days, weeks, MONTHS, without messaging me to talk if I don't take it upon myself to poke them first, which I am doing less and less these days because I'm sick of it. What kind of signal does that send? It tells me you're not interested, it tells me I'm just there to talk to if and when the need arises, but other than that... Xepher who? LOL OH YEAH HER!

- Short, impersonal responses. I FUCKING HATE THEE. Yeah, I'll talk about something in about two big paragraphs and do you know what I get as a response from some people? "Lol", "Ah", "*Snicker*", "Mmhm", "Uh huh", "Yeah", and the list fucking goes on. How am I supposed to respond to that...? Honestly. How the FUCK am I supposed to make any kind of response to one word or action after I just spewed up a bunch of -PHRASES-. GASP! Phrases! WHAT ARE THOSE, XEPHER? Its so anti-climactic in the sense that I get riled up to talk about something and you won't even fuel the fire, and it blatantly says you have zero interest in what I have to say. Thanks a lot. Fuck you. (Note: I am guilty of this, but only when I'm in such a bad mood I might bite someone's head off if I talk too much, or if the person is talking about something I have absolutely NO knowledge on or NO connection to, which I try to avoid as a subject when I talk to other people. Another peeve.)

- Extended-AFKs without warning. I admit, I wander off to take a piss or talk to dad or watch some part of a tv program, but I'm usually never gone for more than 10-15 minutes MAXIMUM. People fucking dissapear on me without a word and don't come back for the rest of the DAY, so for the first few minutes I'm fucking talking to myself like an idiot, getting into some topic or what ever, and you're not even there to read or respond to it. GIVE. ME. A. WARNING. God DAMNIT, its not hard! Am I really so easy to forget?

- People who won't respond to what I say for an extended ammount of time, even though they're there... only to finally say something but, guess what, it has NOTHING to do with what ever it is I was talking about. NOT A THING. I want you to picture yourself at the dinner table, your present company is talking about the newest episode of some show and you just suddenly yell "MAN I JUST /LOVE/ CHICKEN SO FUCKING MUCH, ITS SO GOOD, I REALLY WANT SOME CHICKEN RIGHT NOW", can you now see how RUDE that is? I'm pretty sure those people at the table would look at you like you were from another planet. This also applies to people who do it in a certain chat room, but I won't get into that... Point is, I don't see the logic in ignoring what I say and then expecting me to respond to what ever it is you decided to bring up randomly instead. I've since stopped responding or I mimick the action just to prove a point. (Such points are never usually seen. Apparently /I'm/ too subtle for some people. Me, subtle, LOL. I think they're just too fucking oblivious to everything but themselves.)

- The kind who talks about themself aaalllll the time. Yeah, I talk about myself a lot some times, but I'm beginning to think its because nobody gives me a god damn outlet to talk about MY day and MY shenanigans and MY feelings unless I force it, that the first chance I get, I burst and tell the world or the first person who will listen. Its even worse when its combined with the above example... ignoring the last thing I said for X ammount of time, then barge in to say something about YOU. I wasn't talking about YOU, I don't want to talk about YOU, I want to have a real conversation about things outside you and me!

- (Rather unrelated but still having to do with my frustration and lack of people to talk to, due to a 'third party' )When I'm thrown aside or completely disregarded and/or abandoned because your boyfriend or girlfriend came back to you, or you got a new one, which ever. Suddenly you just don't have time for me and I'm a disposable pair of ears to talk to. I value my friends more than most of my actual 'family' members, so it hurts a LOT to be chucked away just because you've got some fucking significant other to slober all over your lips or spam text-hearts to you if its a long-distance thing. This has to be the biggest piss-off of all. I can honestly say I have NEVER done this to anybody and I NEVER will so long as I can help it. I do my fucking best to be a good friend to you and this is how you repay me. For some, even after I listened to and offered advice on problems they were having WITH said significant other! When your relationship ends and crumbles into a useless pile at your feet, don't you DARE come to me with your sorrows, your anger, your pain. I will take it and cram it right back into your fucking face so you can get a better view of where you fucked up.

- Lastly, people who express little to no concern or interest in my problems when I have to talk about them or rant. When somebody chooses me as a pair of ears, even if I don't LIKE the person, I will usually always listen and even try to offer advice if I can. Some times I get lucky when I rant to someone, but most of the time, I get more of those one-word responses, some times even a "Lol" in response to something I'm pissed off or worried about. I actually once got a "Lol" as a response when I mentioned to somebody I was freaking out because I thought one of my rats ingested Comet Cleaner and might get sick and DIE. What the FUCK? I'm not the nicest person, hell I'm downright rotten and cruel some times, but I would NEVER do that to somebody, especially if they specifically chose to tell this to ME! What kind of messed up person do you have to be to LAUGH? Its sick, its beyond the boundaries of rude, and you make me hate.


I would like to point out that this does NOT apply to everyone I talk to, but pretty much 85% of people who I associate with online these days has one or more of these qualities. If you possess all of them then you are, for lack of a better term, a "social retard" who has no idea how to behave around or respond to other people, based on my own personal experience. Still, I dealt with it, because I'm at fault too, but things... have to change.

I'm not perfect, and I know there are bound to be tons of things about me that you, the reader, does not like or cannot stand at all. Hell, I'm AWARE of some of the things I do that aggravate other people, but that awareness is something many seem to lack, and awareness is the first step to fixing the issue. Thats why I made this journal, as well as to get it off my chest. If you read this and you realize you're doing one or more of these things, then maybe you'll stop and think twice about it.

Perhaps you all don't realize that I am a VERY social creature. I love to talk, I love to share knowledge, opinions, views, everything. I love to interract, have my mind stimulated and in turn do the same for someone else. When I am denied this, I become one cranky fucking individual and thats whats happening more and more recently.

Before I came to Horizons, and during my earlier time in the game, I was SO much nicer, tamer, and friendlier than I had been in the past. I was the bitch from hell maybe a year before, but over time I became a much better person, a better friend, someone who liked to help others with their problems and talk. Well, not anymore. Someone broke the little wire again and now I'm a sour, hateful person once more. I've been used up and thrown out and I still can't even believe or understand why it happened. Whats worse is I don't have the aforementioned conversations and connections with others to help mend that. I did have one person, but they are no longer here. I'm sure you know who I'm talking about, and maybe now you'll see why their abscence has been such an enormous drag for me. Friends are friends. I have friends. What I don't have, is people to REALLY talk to, or people to feel any kind of closeness and connection with.

I don't get lonely, I get bitter.

I don't like to be this way, and if I could take this certain advice I was given and not let other people affect my mood, I would, but I just can't. I'm social, and I cannot socialize with myself.

Its getting to that point though. At least I won't ignore me.

Right Xepher?

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